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#mom

With mothers day coming up I thought it would be necessary to share just a few experiences as a first time mommy.

Being a mom is seriously one of THE hardest things in my life! Attempting to sleep through the night is a struggle let alone waking up at 7am. When Samuel was a newborn he slept forever! I got to do anything and basically everything that I wanted, it wasnt as hard as I thought, but then… when I least expected it. He started growing. Growing faster than the pesky weeds in your driveway. He awoke every 2 hours to eat, it felt like it would never end. So my husband and I both agreed to take turns of feeding him through out the night, that didn’t go quite as planned. We both would wake up offering to take him and then eventually we would both be sitting on the bed half asleep just waiting and wondering when the baby would fall back asleep.  It was so exhausting.

Lets be real. Diapers. Diapers are totally gross. I cant even remember how many times I was gagging when I went to change a poopy diaper. Josh is more of a mom than I am when it comes to changing diapers. A few weeks ago I was feeding Sammy some prune puree. Gosh, he loves that stuff. I think he downed a whole jar in less than 10 minutes. We went to church; like we normally would on any Sunday morning, everything was fine and dandy or so we thought. We were sitting in the car; going to look at an apartment and all of a sudden it hits me. The smell. The smell of death. We get to the apartment, take Sambo ( his nickname )  out and just gasp! OH MY GOSH! IT WAS TERRIBLE. Everything was covered. It was all down his legs, all over his back and all over the car seat. We had no where to change him except the trunk.  Here we are in the middle of now where taking everything out of our trunk and sticking our baby in there to change him but, like all good husbands would do; Josh once again changed the little man for me. Sammy hasn’t had prunes since. O.o

Time management was one of the things I’ve always struggled with.  Having a baby made it even worse. I’m the type of person who will sit down on the couch, watch Netflix, and eat a whole bag of Cheetos all while there is a disaster of a kitchen needing my help to be beautiful again. Like at this very moment I’m sitting here typing this out all while Sammy is sleeping and I could be packing or cleaning our room up. I have no idea how you other moms do it. I seriously could just sleep all day and leave a trail of everything I’ve done through out the whole day and not care one bit. #thestuggleisreal.

Keeping my munchkin safe. You never really know how much you care for someone until they are your own. Growing up we don’t realize how much our parents love us, we do whatever we want without a care in the world and just assume everything is going to be okay. I’m always terrified that someone is going to drop Sammy while holding him. I’m constantly checking on him to make sure he’s still breathing while he naps. Being a mom has really opened my eyes and shown me how much my parents care for me and how much I took them for granted when I was a teenager.

#thestrugglesarereal #momlife

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Anxiety 

So most of you probably have no idea that I’ve been suffering from anxiety. Every since I’ve had Sammy I’ve had these “attacks”, I guess you could call them. My face starts to get tingly, my tongue does this really weird thing that’s hard to describe and I start shaking like crazy. I also lose my coordination sometimes. It got to the point where I was freaking out, and I mean like seriously freaking out that something was wrong with me. I even went into the emergency room because I thought I was having a stroke or something. After the doctor checked everything ( my blood, heart and basically everything else.) he said it was anxiety. My husband and the rest of my family was telling me the same thing. Honestly, I didn’t think that was it. Why? Because I have NO stress. I don’t feel like I’m anxious at all. I don’t realize how much I have to put in to each day to make sure my son is getting taken care of and my husband doesn’t need my help. A couple weeks later my husband dropped a book in my purse. A book that helped him through depression when he was doubting the love of God. It’s called  “Stop Asking Jesus Into Your Heart.” By J.D. Greear ( I’ll put a link to it in the end.) When we started reading it it made me realize that we can’t be at peace and enjoy our salvation unless we are TRULY resting in the fact that God saved us. I’ve noticed my anxiety is mostly triggered when I start to think about God and doubt His love for us. I dont realize how much He loves us. Enough to die for us. I hardly understand why He would do that.

I’ve been reading through the gospel of Matthew. I came across this passage and just started balling my eyes out. Please take the time to read this.

Matthew 6:25-34
Do Not Be Anxious

25 “Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26 Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? 27 And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?[a] 28 And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, 29 yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. 30 But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? 31 Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ 32 For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. 33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

34 “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.

(Text taken from biblegateway.com)

I realized ( and still am realizing) how selfish and foolish I was for trying to solve all of my problems by putting them on myself. Why is it so hard for me? For anyone? God clearly tells us not to worry and trust Him! It’s so hard! I can not say that enough! I was just reading this and I couldnt even face the fact that God takes care of the simplest things like the lilies of the valley and even gives us clothes when we are so undeserving of any of these.

When I trouble with anxiety  (or anyone who troubles with these) I need to go straight to God! Do I always? Of course not! But I absolutely need to! God wants to hear all of your problems. He wants you to bring everything before Him. He cares for us so much and we can’t even fathom how much He does for us on a daily basis.

So what happens when I have an attack? I admit it’s truly hard not to freak out when I have these “weird” feelings but knowing that there is a God up in heaven holding His open arms out to me, waiting for me to come running to Him is the best feeling I could ever feel. I have to tell my brain to stop, calm down, focus on God and most importantly pray. I know its much easier said then done but trust me. God will never turn you away. He wants to help and I promise you He will. I just want to encourage anyone that is struggling with this, it will get better. Never stop striving for God. Never stop running to His open arms.

Buy the book below!

http://www.jdgreear.com/sinnersprayer

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Always Faithful

Yesterday morning as I was eating breakfast I was scrolling through my Facebook feed. I came across one of my friends posts. She posted Psalm 71:6 which says  “By You I have been sustained from my birth; You are He who took me from my mother’s womb; My praise is continually of You.”

If you really think about it, I mean REALLY think about it, How faithful is God to us?

My husband and I have been nagging at each other, constantly arguing and who knows what else. We give each other the silent treatment and then end up crying because we feel so bad. When we realized we sinned against each other we pray ask God to forgive us and sometimes not even 30 minutes later we do it again. The fact that we sin so much just shows how far we are from God! In the car on our way home from his parents last night, I was sharing what I saw on Facebook. It just amazes me.  No matter how much we sin against God, He will always forgive us and ALWAYS be faithful. How great is that?! Now does that mean we should just sin as much as possible because we know that God is going to forgive us? Of course not! As Christians we are called to be holy for God is Holy. We must strive for righteousness, but the fact that even when we do sin, God forgives us, that is completely incredible!

Look at your life and just think how has He been faithful to you? He woke you up this morning, right? He feeds you everyday. I myself can honestly say that some days I don’t feel like God has been faithful but when I wake up the next day I realize how much of a faithful God we really have! He cares for all of us!

“Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they?” Matthew 6:26

As humans we always have this fear of “Whats going to happen tomorrow?” “Where am I going to get money to pay this bill?” I admit, I constantly am asking myself these questions. Why? Why should I have to worry? God is ALWAYS! ALWAYS! ALWAYS! faithful! How great of a God do we have?  When we found out I was pregnant with Sammy, Josh and I were constantly doubting God’s faithfulness in providing for us! I was out of work for 3 months with no extra income but you know what? God provided for us! He provided enough money to pay ALL our bills with just one job when we usually need both jobs to do that! You don’t need to doubt God’s faithfulness! Our God never fails and never breaks His promise! I am excitingly looking to the future to continually see my faithful God provide for us!

Please think about one thing for me. How good has God been to you? How faithful has He been to you? How has He provided for you?

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Everyday Goals 

With it being a new year I’m trying to get into the habit of doing these things everyday! Although I have failed almost everyday; every morning is a new chance to try! Here are some of my daily goals! 

  • Read my Bible and pray to God thanking Him for another day and everything He has done for me.
  • Eat breakfast. Eating breakfast is THE hardest thing to do. Especially when you have a little nugget you have to hold 24/7
  • Pick up the apartment. As you can imagine life with a baby I basically leave a trail everywhere I go. 
  • Spending less time on my phone and more time talking/interacting with Samuel. This is one of those things where I am extremely guilty. I’m addicted to my phone. I admit it. It’s not a good thing. 
  • Appreciate the little things in life like the birds of the sky, the trees of the field and just nature in general. The beauty God has left for us. 

What are some of your daily goals? 

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The Delivery

I used to think pregnancy was the easiest thing in the world. No pain, no sickness, no anything. As a little girl I would play “house” with my girlfriend down the street. She would be the “husband” and of course, I would be the “pregnant” wife. We would play that this pregnancy thing was so simple, so easy and would always have that “glow”.

When I actually became pregnant I realized how much of a lie that was. WOW. We were so wrong. I love being pregnant, do not get me wrong, but it is A LOT of work. From morning sickness to cramps. I thought it would never end.

In March of 2016 my morning sickness started, I was about 7 weeks pregnant. I remember the day before I started getting sick  I was actually going to the doctors to tell them I was expecting. The doctor sent me over to the lab for blood work to make sure that the pregnancy was real. It was so terrible. I’ve always been bad with needles and blood but this was so much worse. Almost immediately after they drew blood I was sweating and I developed a mild fever. The next morning I woke up and I was sick. So sick! I couldn’t even hold down Gatorade. Little did I know, that was only the beginning.

13 weeks pregnant and still sick! Here I am thinking “This is never going to go away.” and of course.. it went away.   Fast forward to 22 weeks. Baby was starting to pop out. Going to work was starting to get harder and harder. I could barely move sometimes. I think baby was lying on a nerve and gave my back THE worst pain I have ever felt (up until the delivery). Sitting down, lying down, standing up everything I did hurt. I didn’t know if I could go much longer. I was so close to quitting my job.

Once the third trimester came along I was miserable every day. I could hardly move and I had the glorious stretch marks. I also gained 40 pounds by the time I was full term which added to the pregnancy “glow”. The night I went into labor I was at Bible study, I was having really bad back pain the whole night. I kept getting up to go to the bathroom hoping that it would go away, but it didn’t. When Josh and I got home from Bible study we wentto bed but, I was still having really bad back pain so I decided to take a shower to see if that would help. I took a shower, went back to bed but it still hurt. I couldn’t sleep. Then I started counting… the pain coming every 3 to 4 minutes. Josh woke up and asked me if I was OK. I said “the pain was coming about every four minutes”. He said “We need to go to the hospital.” I didn’t want to go. I honestly thought it was just normal pregnancy pain. See, I didn’t get any pain in the front, only the back. It couldn’t have been contractions. I wasn’t going to go. Not even 10 minutes later we ended up going to the hospital. By the time I got to the hospital I was about 4 cm dilated. They decided to admit me at 1:00 AM. I was able to handle the contractions for about five hours and by then I needed to get the epidural, I have never seen a needle so big. But surprisingly it did not hurt at all. It just felt like someone was pinching me. After the epidural everything was easy breezy or so I thought. By the time I got to 10 cm dilated it was about 3:00 PM. The doctor came in and told me to start pushing, so that’s what I did. I pushed and pushed but nothing was happening. Here I am pushing for three hours and nothing is happening. The doctor suggested we try and vacuum him out. We tried. Still nothing was happening. Every time I pushed he would try to come out but he couldn’t get over my pelvic bone. The last resort was a C-section. That was the last thing I wanted.I started crying and crying because I did not want to be cut open, I mean who would? They brought me into the room and they started the operation. The pain was so bad when they were pushing on my stomach. Just imagine a scene from Jurassic Park. Shaking, pushing, people running around. That’s what the environment looked like. When they finally took the baby out my whole stomach felt like it popped. I could just imagine a water balloon popping and everything just pouring out.

All of a sudden I heard a cry. The most precious, beautiful, innocent cry I have ever heard.  I could not believe that this was actually happening to me. At 6:23pm I was a mom. I had a child. They brought him over to me weighing in at 8 lbs. 10 oz. and 19 inches long. My beautiful baby boy, the one that grew in me for nine months. The little human I felt kick me at night when I was trying to sleep. 23 hours of labor was the hardest thing I have ever done. It hurt more than I can ever describe. But I would do it all over again for him. He is my life; being a mom is indescribable.

What I’m trying to say is things never go as we please. God always has a purpose for the pain we go through. When I was a child I always thought  having a baby was going to be easy. I thought you just go in the room, push and he’s out. The plans you make won’t do anything for your future. The only person who can change your future is God. Why do we worry about tomorrow? We don’t need to! God had a plan for letting me have a C-section; Even though I’m not sure why yet.He knew exactly what He was doing. I’m here to encourage you to tell you dont make plans for 10+ years down the road. Just let go and let God.

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The Beginning of Forever

So, I got married January 23,2016 T`was THE best day of my life!

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We went to Big Bear, California for our honeymoon. Oh, I would go back there in a heart beat. Adventures with my hubby are always the best. We went on a helicopter ride over the mountains and lake. God’s beautiful creation is truly amazing.

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After our Honeymoon life went back to normal, we went back to work and we got to spend our first Valentines Day together, and who would’ve known that would’ve been our last alone.

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The next morning Josh (my husband) and I went to work like we normally would.While I was working I was getting really bad cramps and I just didn’t feel myself. After my shift I came home to an empty apartment (Which I expected) I was exhausted! Getting up at 4:30am has its pros and cons but, mostly its cons (LOL). Later that evening I decided to go to the local CVS and get a pregnancy test. Josh kept telling me I was pregnant although I did not want to believe him. Sure enough I took the test and within seconds it was positive. That was the scariest, happiest and saddest moment of my LIFE! I had no idea what to do, I was crying because I was happy that we created a life together, a little human that is completely half of me and half of him. I was crying because I was scared. Thinking, “How the HECK? How the HECK and I going to be a mom. I cant do this!” I was crying because I was mad that it happened so fast. That we didn’t even get a year together alone! We only has 10 short months. and half of those 10 months I was complaining about how my body was changing and how my body was reacting to this human inside of me.I had to tell him so what do I do?  I called, YES! I CALLED HIM…. AT WORK…. probably not the best way to tell your partner you’re expecting a baby. I couldn’t think straight; my mind was going crazy. I could not wait to tell Josh that we were having a little baby. I called him, told him and…. he was mad….. he was mad that we were having a baby. Why? because we would have even MORE responsibility now. Having to go from dating, getting married, and now having a baby all in one year was quite hectic.

When we went to the first ultrasound together we were at ease and totally forgot about all our troubles. Seeing this little human the size of a grape, hearing his heartbeat at only 8 weeks old was incredible! After realizing that we had a baby we both changed for the better. Our eyes were opened , we were not longer mad  and we realized that being parents is going to be awesome. Becoming pregnant was the best thing that’s ever happened to us. To this day I cant even imagine life without my little man. I cant believe we actually live so long without him.

Getting married was great. Our honeymoon was wonderful but above all finding out we were having a baby was THE best experience of our lives. ♥